Who'd Have Known
by paintitblue
Summary: I guess that was what made him so wonderful to toy with. You just never know what would be the outcome. But that doesn't lessen the amount of disgust I have for him. He was still a monster after all, a big ugly monster that I just can't stand. But if I wanted to sneak in his bedroom, naked, and take a picture of his reaction, he would totally ruin my plan!


A/N: HELLO FIRST SHIZAYA ONE-SHOT!

Do you guys know the song 5 o' Clock by T-pain ft. Lily Allen? Well, there's the original song by Lily Allen called Who'd Have Known and I just thought it would be cool to see Izaya in Shizuo's bed and go SURPRISE!, half-naked.

I needed a break from my other fanfic and I will update Forever 23 soon.

Happy fangirling!

**WARNING: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF DURARARA'S STORY OR CHARACTERS. THIS IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES AND ALL RIGHTS GO TO THE CREATOR OF DURARARA AND ITS ANIME. **

**(and extreme sappiness in the end)**

* * *

Do you want to know why I absolutely _detest_ that huge protozoan for a brain Shizuo? I've said it a million times to myself and I'll say it to you.

He is so unpredictable! If I wanted him to eat the poison green tea ice cream mochi I knew he was craving for, he would instantly change his mind and go for the poison-free strawberry ice cream mochi. If I wanted him to be run over by a runaway car that was about to cross his path, he would tear a lamp post off the sidewalk and destroy the engine with one swing.

I guess that was what made him so wonderful to toy with. You just never know what would be the outcome. But that doesn't lessen the amount of disgust I have for him. He was a still monster after all, a big ugly monster that just I just can't stand.

But if I wanted to sneak in his bedroom, naked, and take a picture of his reaction, he would totally ruin my plan!

* * *

It was nine in the evening and I was just in the neighborhood after crushing a stupid little girl's LG ice cream phone. It was always the LG phones that had this satisfying _CRACK _and _SNAP_ I felt under my shoe when I bring it down for the blow. The little girl had insulted my fantastic parka fur coat and I smash her phone to tiny pieces. An eye for an eye, I thought and shrugged her cries off.

Work was done. I counted all the money that was deposited at my doorstep for giving information to the Yakuza; I gathered more information about this neuro-psychological hospital somewhere in Hokkaido and delivered to the impatient detective that wouldn't shut up about how he desperately needed it, all in twenty minutes; I played chess a little; I messed around in the chatroom with little _Saika _and messed around with Naime; more clients and their petty problems; I watched some cartoons as well; and now I was done with my leisure time.

I wasn't planning on walking anywhere particular; I just let my feet take me away. I loved this specific time of the night when everyone was out and about even after a hard day's work. They all seemed to have enough energy to waste what was left on eating at cheap sushi bars or buying some new clothes at the mall. They all seemed so full of life, so excited about something. They all ventured into the dark hours that had some attractive misleading lights, not knowing all the dangers that could possibly pounce on them such as pick pockets and muggers. Like lambs either getting sheared or slaughtered.

But eventually I got bored of watching some people exclaiming over pictures of the Black Rider that they took. Oh, please. There were far more interesting things than Celty's curvy body propped up on her bike.

Five minutes later, I realized I was walking right outside of the protozoan's apartment. Of all the places, I smirked to myself.

And here I thought I could go a day without being reminded of his dreadful face.

The neighborhood made the building look out of place. There were Western fast food chains from the left and right, and pharmacies, with brightly light neon signs. There were corporate buildings that stood high and mighty not too far away.

Shizuo-chan's building, though; I couldn't help but laugh at the irony. It was short, squat, and grimy. It was a mere three floors with a rusty fire escape that would crash down on one's first step. There were windows at the side but all they could offer for a view was the concrete wall of the KFC joint. Clothes were hanging out to dry on the side. Stains from the rain, or I hoped it was the rain, ran down the building. It wasn't my first time standing outside Shizuo-chan's apartment, but it never ceased to surprise me how his living quarters were so nasty.

His apartment was on the second floor, with the windows to the side. My curiosity began to wander and I decided to check if he was home. I crossed the street and stopped in the alleyway to peek. The lights were off. A grin crept to my mouth.

All this thinking about Shizuo-chan's living quarters also got me thinking about the past week. How could it not? It was one of the most drastic turns I have ever taken on this bumpy road trip of a life. It started out as an accident. Both Shizuo-chan and I had a friendly competition of who could dodge the incoming projectile and I was obviously winning. Shizuo-chan was swift enough to catch my knives with his mouth, but he wasn't that swift to dodge an incoming Honda Civic. We ended up in an alleyway with some unrecognizable liquids on the ground, head to head. Shizuo gave up throwing things at me and decided to throw himself, as he closed in the meters that held us apart. Then he slipped.

He was sent flying towards me, like he originally intended, but at the sight of him slipping caught me by surprise. Shizu-chan landed on top of me. His body was crushing mine and my jacket was soaked in what I hoped was rainwater. I turned my head to face the idiot and yell at him on his idiocy but I stopped in my tracks. He was staring back at me, and one thing led to another for us to kiss, and then my apartment, both us naked, in bed. A kiss in an alleyway… how disgusting.

I have to say I couldn't really care less. I sleep around whenever I wanted to and Shizu-chan was just one of those toys. Sex was sex. It wasn't like I gave a damn about him anyway. With a few days as an interval, either of us would get a text to meet and release the tension. It was an empty slate with him in bed.

But that didn't mean I couldn't have any fun while I was at it.

It was simple, hilarious, and I could get some rest while I was at it, if Shizuo's bed was to my liking.

**xXx**

I didn't hate my job. I liked the fact that it was my longest running job so far. But it did piss me off that sometimes part of the job was running around Tokyo looking for just one slippery poor bastard.

Tom and I started here in Ikebukuro in the afternoon, moving past crowds and stretching our necks at every nook and cranny, then went to Edogawa by train, where my bow tie snagged at the door so I had to lose it or be strangled, then to Minato, by taxi, and then at Ota where I finally clocked the guy almost as much as I wanted, because I could have killed him if I beat the crap out of him _all _that I wanted. Tom didn't even hold me back for the first five minutes, since he too was pissed as hell. All it took was a lamp post and around ten swings in ten different locations.

Then we took the train back to Ikebukuro, said goodbyes and see you's, and by my clock it was already ten thirty. By the time I got home, it was eleven pm.

Even with my stamina, travelling still made me tired. Some sort of motion and physics shit. I plopped down instantly on a stool in my kitchen after entering my apartment and taking a cold beer out of the refrigerator. I didn't even feel like taking a smoke.

This day could have been worse, though. I could have lost something more valuable than my bow tie that Kasuka gave me. And I could have seen the flea too. Actually, if I did see him, suddenly popping out of nowhere in the streets of Tokyo, it would make a whole lot more sense why the guy we chased was so slippery. Izaya probably lent a hand to the guy to make my life more miserable, just for kicks.

I hated so much. Who couldn't hate him? He kept claiming that he "loved" humans but how it looked like was that he was God and all of us were his subordinates. And he was creepy. If I were to choose if I'd rather be shot in the head or be handcuffed with the louse that had tried to totally ruin my life since high school for a day, I'd take the bullet any day.

And yet…

No matter how many times I say I hate him, that didn't change the fact that I sleep with the flea. Not _slept _but _sleep, _present tense. I didn't know what came over me but I just did it. And I hate every single atom in my brain for making me do it. But it was just sex, right? Nothing wrong with sleeping with someone you absolutely detest. In fact, sleeping with him meant I knew more of his weak spots, which meant I could do a better job at exterminating him. Like the area under his knee that makes him cringe like a cat.

I didn't realize that I crushed my beer into an unrecognizable mesh of metal and it has been like that for the past minute. The rest of the drink was now dripping down my hand and made it sticky. Gross.

I was going to take a bath anyway. I headed for my bedroom-

-when I suddenly smelled that familiar foul stench in the hallway; the stench I smell when I walk into Shibuya. It was the stench I smell when my life was about to take the wrong turn and end up in Worst Possible Situation-ville.

What in God's much used name was Izaya Orihara doing in my apartment? Better yet, was I going to take the katana with me or the nunchakus?

**xXx**

It was ten o'clock! What was taking so long?

I was out of my clothes, except for my boxers because I still had my decency. The clothes were folded neatly under the blanket, next to me if I needed to make a quick getaway, giving Shizuo-chan the confusing notion on how I got in _his_ bed nearly naked. The expression will be priceless! My cell phone was on the night table for me to take a quick snap shot.

It was my first time entering the monster's apartment and it was what I expected: drab living room, with its mediocre couch and a TV with a box still behind it; normal kitchen, white tiles and all; and no pictures of family or any quirks like a guitar in the corner. I figured he was a working man, not much personal with anything. The fridge had a six-pack of beer and that was all. The cabinets had packets of ramen, and packets of ramen, and oh, look, more ramen.

The place stank of nicotine and tobacco. No surprise there.

His bedroom was worse. No color but brown walls and brown carpet with a wooden bed with white sheets and a brown blanket. There were no posters, no CD's, it has been like he didn't even live here. There were some books but there were the typical dictionary, How to Do Taxes for Dummies and… War and Peace? That seemed ironic.

I flopped down on the bed. How boooooooooring.

Since there weren't any embarrassing photos I could use for blackmail, I made haste with the prank and stepped out of my clothes.

I waited.

We never slept here. I wondered why. There wasn't anything to hide at all. Did his mother check on him every week or something?

_10:05._

And waited.

What was going to happen after if Shizu-chan didn't try to kill me? Would we sleep with each other? I didn't have a condom on me at the moment and I was very strict about condoms, with all those diseases out there. I haven't asked if Shizu-chan had any diseases yet. Maybe later I would. That is, if he didn't try to throw his TV at me.

_10:06._

For my love on humanity's sake, where was the protozoan? Then, my eyes started to droop. The bed was acceptable. Not too soft, not too hard. The blanket was fuzzy and comforting too. Maybe if I just took a five minute nap-

I fell asleep.

**xXx**

I stood in shock in the doorway. Izaya, bare-chested, in my bed, maybe even naked-

_SLEEPING._

He looked like he owned the place, sprawled his limbs all over the bed like a fucking starfish. He was slightly snoring and he was hugging one of my pillows. His hair was all over the place as well.

What the hell was this? Some kind of joke? What exactly was supposed to happen? A pie suddenly flying to my face and the flea going "HAHA, GOT YOU!"? Was that what fucking he wanted? Stupid fucking bastard going in my house and fucking-

What if he just decided to pop in for some sex and waited? Why didn't he just text me?

And the heaviest question of them all was, _what am I going to do?_

I didn't realize that I imprinted my hand into the wooden doorframe. Well, shit. Speaking of the door, how about I just swing that thing up on his ass? That seemed like a good solution. I'd knock Izaya right out of the apartment like a baseball player. A homerun, I guessed what the Westerners call it.

I shook my head. I highly doubt Izaya was still pranking me, since he wouldn't go all this way into breaking into my apartment and display himself in such a vulnerable and embarrassing position. He practically had Zzz's flying off his mouth.

"I should probably wake him up," I thought.

I moved to the bed to shake the flea. When I did, he slapped me on the face.

_WHAT THE HELL?_

I immediately slapped him back, but he just made a face, groaned, and kicked me in the ribs. It was obvious that he didn't want to be woken up and it was going to take too much of my energy to wake him up. Hey, after a day of chasing a shithead to the end of the city, a guy didn't want to deal with this shit, even if it was Izaya Orihara.

"I'll just put him on the couch," I practically growled out loud. I lifted him up and-

-he rolled back to the bed.

This guy was impossible! That was it! I was not dealing with him anymore. I took my clothes from the closet and changed in the bathroom, washed my sticky hand as well. No way was I going to sleep on the couch either. I deserved a good night's rest on my own fucking bed!

I lifted the sheets of the bed and plopped down next to the flea. I didn't care anymore. Not one fucking bit. So what if we slept beside each other without having sex? It was all the flea's fault so he-

Izaya turned around in his sleep and faced me. Our faces were only centimeters apart. I didn't realize how peaceful he looked, since we slept practically at the same time. I usually saw him with a proud mug on his face, like he could take on anything I threw at him. So far, he did. Remembering that smug face of his made me want to teach him a lesson and now was the perfect moment to do so.

I could do that tomorrow morning. Set an alarm for four am and tape him to a chair.

Then for the past week, I've seen the faces he made during sex. It still surprised me that he was getting pleasure _out of me._ It wasn't a whole different side of Izaya, since he was still a demanding brat during sex, but to see him quite vulnerable and on a certain high was different.

He looked so much like a girl, sometimes, when he didn't speak, of course. His face was so smooth and not angular at all, like a man's. His nose wasn't as sharp either. His lips were soft and small. I remembered kissing those lips on that night of the accident for no apparent reason, just as if my body took over again, but instead of adrenaline it was lust.

If he had long hair, and just had some padding on his chest, he could probably pass off as a woman in the streets. He could be even pretty.

Well, shit.

He wasn't that disgusting looking, or I wouldn't stand to sleep with him. Well, whatever. He was pretty. So what?

Slowly, that fatigue overtook me and my mind. I closed my eyes, and fell asleep.

**xXx**

I woke up to the smell of ramen.

The first thing I did was to check my body. No bruises, no broken limbs. It was a miracle! The second thing I did was to check for stains. None. Huh, guess Shizu-chan wasn't into non-consensual sex.

I smacked my head on a pillow, because I valued my beautiful brain cells too much to smack it on a wall. How could I have fallen asleep?! How could I, Izaya Orihara, who have mastered the art of intricate and complex planning before I could turn 20, fallen asleep in what I consider one of my greatest enemies so far? And now he wasn't even in the bed so I couldn't take any embarrassing photos of him sleeping!

Ugh, might as well sneak out the window while I still had my dignity.

But when I finished tying my shoe, I only noticed that the door was slightly opened, which was why I could smell ramen cooking in the kitchen. My stomach made a noise. I hadn't had food to eat since yesterday lunch.

Maybe I could steal Shizu-chan's breakfast. He had all the instant ramen packets to spare anyway.

I checked if he was outside, ready to hit me with a frying pan. The coast was clear and I inched to the hallway. I wondered where Shizu-chan slept last night. We often had our backs facing each other after sex, a sleeping position that just oozed with regret. The couch looked like it couldn't hold his height, so he must have slept next to me. I was causing Shizu-chan pain and I wasn't even awake to see it!

I poked my head into the kitchen and saw that there was ramen on the table. Ramen! Who would have known? Also, I saw Shizu-chan cooking something. He was in boxers and a shirt that was a little small on him. I hated to admit it, but he looked good with the bed-ragged look. I smelled eggs. There were no eggs in the fridge last night! He must have gone out to buy them.

He noticed me staring at him with confusion slapped on my face.

"You could have just said you wanted to sleep with me," he said in his usual stoic tone, the tone he used when he wasn't screaming my name.

My mouth dropped. I instantly refuted him. "Who said anything about sleeping with you?!"

"Well, you _were_ in your underwear," he insinuated. So he checked?

"It was a prank," I huffed. "Well, whatever. Thanks for the bed." I crossed my arms and headed for the door. It was much more comfortable. Then, my stomach made the loudest gurgle that it had ever made. I didn't even realize it could echo through the apartment. I froze in my steps.

There was an awkward silence. Neither of us knew what to do.

"You hungry?" Shizu-chan broke the silence.

I shook my head, "I'm good."

"I mean, I got some ramen and eggs. I don't mind sharing."

I turned to face him. "Why are you being nice?"

**xXx**

Why _was_ I being nice? Well, if I let him escape so easily, he wouldn't answer all my questions. I figured he would want breakfast because breaking into someone's house could take some effort.

"So no eggs and ramen? I think I have some bread inside the fridge."

Izaya raised his eyebrow. He walked towards the stool and took it. That's it. Walk into the trap like a good flea.

"What kind of ramen?"

"Spicy."

He nodded and sat quietly as I cooked the eggs. Then the silence continued. I actually had a good night's sleep last night. The flea didn't slap me or kick me again in his sleep and he didn't snore either. When my alarm woke me up, surprisingly didn't wake Izaya up too, I didn't feel the leftover fatigue from last night. I felt _energized. _I still didn't know what to do the louse then so I just left him there. If he gave me a reason to pick a fight with him, then we fight. If he wanted to sneak out the window without me noticing, then let him. But instead he followed my instinct and decided to eat breakfast here.

"I like my eggs not too cooked," he suddenly said.

I didn't reply to that. He was so damn picky sometimes.

I opened another pack of ramen and Izaya got up and decided to look around the kitchen. Why did I have the feeling that he already did before he decided to sleep on my bed?

"You always ruin my plans."

I placed the eggs on the plate then put some water in the pot. "I don't see how that's a bad thing for me. And I wasn't the one who fell asleep. Why did you do it anyway?"

Izaya sighed. "I was bored."

"Really? Just that?" I turned on the stove and placed the noodles. He didn't reply to me. Then again, there was no surprise in his reason. Izaya would fuck a ton of shit just because he had nothing to do for the day.

"You're supposed to let the water boil first," he suddenly said too close to me. He caught me by surprise and I instantly turned around.

Our faces again were centimeters apart. He was apparently looking over my shoulder. The fact that I turned surprised him as well, so both of our mugs were surprised.

**xXx**

How many times have we been in this kind of situation? There was always distance between our faces and only either of us would make the decision of removing that distance, and it was usually in a form of a kiss. Then, that kiss would lead us to bed and eventually to us wondering just how the hell did we get in that situation.

Shizu-chan's eyes closed and he leaned into me. I didn't stop him. He pressed his lips to mine and I lay still with my eyes closed. The taste of spicy ramen and a bit of morning breath was horrible, but I didn't mind. His lips weren't the softest but they were acceptable. We moved so that my back was pressed against the wall. It started out slow and easy, like gentle touches on my lips. My hand made its way to be tangled in his blond hair. Now, _that _was soft. I should have checked what shampoo he used. I pressed his head to increase the pressure between our moving mouths.

He moaned and obliged to increase his pace. We breathed heavily through our noses but sometimes we came up to gasp for air. Warmth was passed on as our bodies moved against each other. Shizu-chan had one hand on the wall to hold him steady while he had one hand crawling up into my shirt. I felt electricity shoot up my spine when he touched my bare back.

This wasn't the most excellent kiss I've had. I've had a kiss where there the person tasted like mint and the sex was much better that what Shizu-chan could give. But what kept me going was the passion that this monster could give. He let out the right amounts that would crescendo to a wonderful high that was simply addicting. Would you rather have a five-star restaurant dinner or a night out of euphoria consisting of unimaginable drugs and drinks?

Then I heard a hissing sound. I remembered the ramen. I moved my head away when Shizu-chan was about to swoop in for another kiss. I pushed his face for him to see his burning pot.

"Shit," he cursed and moved towards the stove. He turned off the fire and checked the noodles. He looked up to me and said, "Ugh, I burnt the water."

I couldn't help it. How could you not erupt in laughter with what just happened? His face! His noodles!

I was on the floor wheezing and fanning myself. "If… if I didn't hear… your house… burn…" I tried to say coherently but it was just too funny!

Shizu-chan didn't seem to understand at first, which made me laugh anymore. That dumbstruck face of his was priceless. I would have taken out my camera but I valued my life. Then, he slowly realized it and chuckled.

"Alright, Izaya, you look so pathetic right now. Time to get up," he mused and let his hand out.

I took it and pulled myself up. "I'm fine with eggs. I can't have sex with an empty stomach."

"W-what?!" Shizu-chan sputtered.

"There it is again. That face! Stop, you're going to kill me," I said. "And you heard me."

"Here?"

"Why not?"

And the question to my answer was answered. "Don't you want to go somewhere nicer? I don't know, like your place?"

He was insecure about his house. He probably couldn't afford any better. That was why he never brought me here to bang.

"Shizu-chan, I just slept in your bed. I can have sex in it too."

My choice of words reddened him. I smirked and sat down to eat the eggs. Ugh, overcooked. Shizu-chan didn't reply anymore. He pulled another stool and sat next to me eating his ramen. He was always so unpredictable. I was supposed to be out of this apartment ten minutes ago and yet, here I was, eating breakfast with the stupid protozoan.

To be honest, I enjoyed the silence that passed between us as we ate our breakfast. There was nothing to say. I was almost comfortable in it.

Almost. After he placed the plates in the sink, I pulled him to the room and threw him down on the bed. There was nothing personal neither in the room nor in the whole apartment only because its owner wasn't such a personal guy. He didn't invest on anything but his job. But as I straddled him on his hips I had a little spark of hope that he would invest in _this, _whatever _this _ , as much as I hated the protozoan, I didn't want to lose this lust-hate relationship we worked on since high school.

Oh, Shizu-chan, you were still a monster, but I'm that hunter that gets a thrill out of the unexpected things you throw at me.


End file.
